How Flappy Bird Almost Took My Life

I hate Flappy Bird. I mean with the purest passion, I LOATHE Flappy Bird.

Under much peer pressure, I was forced to join in on the latest game craze. I am a recovering Candy Crush addict. I quit the stuff just a month ago, so I was really cautious about trying anything new. Where I am currently in my life, any colorful touch and tap activity can cause me to relapse. Despite better judgement, I opened the app store on my smartphone and downloaded what would’ve become my demon had I not stopped soon enough, Flappy Bird.

This cute little pixelated duck was so adorable; he made it so easy to click “Install.” As I opened up the Flappy Bird application for the first (and last) time, my heart fluttered with excitement. That old feeling was coming back. The run-on sunny pixel background and green pipes brought me back to my Super Mario days, the time when I first suffered video game addiction. The nostalgic tech-phonic sounds, the simple arcade-like instructions, that damn cute bird.  How could I resist?

To play Flappy Bird, all you have to do is repeatedly tap your screen to keep the bird in the air while passing through gaps between pipes, only the space and height between gaps vary.

My highest score is 3. I played the game for a good 30 minutes.  The game should have been ridiculously easy but it’s insanely difficult. Each time that dumb little bird crashed into something, I’d lose a bit of sanity and dignity. I kept telling myself how stupid the game was but I still continued. My ego, which lead me downhill with Candy Crush, Spyro, Super Mario, and many other digital drugs, was about to bring me down once again.  I stopped before it was too late.

To fully explain how evil Flappy Bird is:

• There are no levels in this game. The object is really just to beat your highest score.
• Each time you die, you have to start from the beginning.
• Dying is very easy.
• When you start from the beginning again, do not expect the same game. Each time you restart the game, it’s a different setup. So whatever strategy you had about getting through the first 3 gaps in the last game can just go to shit.

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Please heed my warning and do not play this game. Wait. You’re not understanding. I truly mean it. Do NOT download this game.